I wanted to have a transparent blog post to not only connect with anyone thats reading but most importantly share my experiences.
I want to talk about the feeling of being numb. Yes, numb. Getting to a point of being so emotionally drained that nothing hurts, nothing makes you happy... just going through the day by day motions.
A few years ago my family was delivered news that was totally unexpected. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer about 3 years prior but it was in remission, Thank goodness! But the news confirmed that my grandfather whom we called "Poppy" had stage 4 colon cancer. The man that carried the weight of the family, gave me soo much wisdom and was so strong physically was about to fight for his life but didn't know where to start.
While my grandparents were fighting for their lives to beat cancer. I made sure to focus on making them as comfortable as I could while emotionally supporting anyone that needed it in my family. To me that was the best thing I could do at the moment was just to be there and with everything going on I felt I was the strongest available. Not only was I able to be there for 90% the time but I didn't realize I was preparing my healing when the unimaginable would come.
I watched them go through many changes but even during that time they both continued to pour into me with whatever they felt I needed. My entire support system was suffering and we all just had to figure it out day by day. I engrained the quote "One Step At A Time" to get me through my hardest days and through their hardest days. It allowed me to not only give myself the break I needed emotionally but calmed my mind when I had a million things and scenarios going on in my head. The reality settled in that this may be my last birthday with them alive. My poppy pushed me to continue my usual Big Birthday Weekend celebration and told me to enjoy it the best I could.
The time came while I was watching TV on Sunday around 7pm when we received confirmation my Poppy passed in his sleep. This happened one week before my birthday. I felt all the air in my lungs escape, my body felt cold and numb. All I could do was kiss my Poppy on the forehead and tell him thank you.
I thanked him for fighting for me. See, we had our disagreements when I was a teen but for some reason he was always pushing me harder and harder. I never understood why until I turned 17 and he told me how proud he was and who I've become. After that, we stopped fighting and turned every conversation into a life lesson. We continued that until he couldn't speak anymore. Even though he passed away, my heart was at peace... Unfortunately, my mind wouldn't stop going 100mph.
Numbness settled in full effect. I felt lost, numb and had no way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew it was there but wasn't sure which direction it was. All I knew is that my Poppy would fight to make sure the light was seen.
I was afraid to fall asleep right after he passed away. Because if I woke up and things still remained as they were...it confirmed it wasn't a bad dream and it was reality. I waited 5 full days before I fell asleep. I was exhausted and was finally ready to accept reality. My sleep finally came and it the night before his funeral that I finally got my night of sleep. To me, I felt my Poppy was waiting for me to stop fighting and was going to be around me when I reached my limit. And he did!
I started working on getting out of my "Stuck Feeling" and moved to place of growth and self development. I knew staying in that wasn't healthy and I wasn't sure how to get out of it at that time but knew I had to start somewhere. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. A few days later my grandmother passed away and I felt my body go completely cold and numb all over again.
Check in next Thursday for the next part!
* Sharing my stories and experiences not only gives you insight on who I am but also gives you validation that you will be okay. Know that it's okay to ask for help. Go speak to a professional opposed to staying in that "stuck" feeling. *